May 26 by M. Kane Jeeves (Ed Naha)

McCain for president! D’oh!

Some alleged Democrats, understandably irritated by their heads being jammed far up their rectums, have, of late, been throwing temper tantrums. Lips in full-pout position, Buster Brown shoes stomping the floor, they have vowed to vote for Republican Senator John McCain should the candidate of their choice not win the final Dem nomination.

To all those singing “My way or the highway,” I offer the “Get To Know McCain” pop quiz. Feel free to take the quiz and, then, in honor of your newfound “friend,” use your tax rebate to buy a gun and eat it.
  1. McCain has been absent for 60% of this Senate’s votes because:
  2. He didn’t want to miss his soaps.
  3. He got lost.
  4. He forgot.
  5. He’s a maverick.
  6. By January 2013, John McCain has promised:
  7. The Iraq war will have been won.
  8. Osama bin Laden will have been killed or captured.
  9. Iraq will be a functioning democracy.
  10. Garden gnomes will do the work currently done by illegal aliens.
  11. McCain favors the creation of a “League of Democracies” because:
  12. a “League of Nations” sounds too retro.
  13. He misses those Treaty of Versailles glory days.
  14. He thinks Woodrow Wilson is “dreamy.”
  15. He needs a place to hang-out, now that the Elks have stopped “Bingo Nights.”
  16. By the end of his first term, McCain forecasts that the United States will have experienced several years of robust economic growth due to:
  17. a reduction of corporate taxes, a doubling of the size of the child exemption deduction and the introduction of a flat tax.
  18. the selling off of individual states to foreign investors.
  19. a new monetary standard based on wampum.
  20. the mass suicide of the poor and working class.
  21. McCain repudiated the endorsement of Reverend John Hagee because:
  22. Hagee said the Holocaust was simply God using Hitler to drive the Jews back to the Holy Land.
  23. Hagee called the Catholic Church “the great whore.”
  24. Hagee blamed Katrina’s destruction of New Orleans on a planned homosexual parade.
  25. The reverend always farted up their fundraisers.
  26. McCain thinks Barack Obama is:
  27. too young.
  28. too inexperienced.
  29. too uppity.
  30. The reason why McCain opposed the new GI Bill is:
  31. He’s dyslexic and couldn’t figure out why we wanted to help “IGs.”
  32. He likes the old one better.
  33. He thinks kids today are already spoiled rotten with their video games, their MTV, their CDs, their DVDs and their PTSDs.
  34. He’s a maverick.
  35. McCain dumped nearly 1,500 pages of his medical records on the Friday before Memorial Day weekend allowing only 20 reporters jammed into a single room three hours to read them without the benefit of note-taking because:
  36. The word “dump” makes him giggle.
  37. He knew the invisible ink would drive them nuts.
  38. He thought they’d all been tutored by Evelyn Wood.
  39. He’s a maverick.
  40. McCain’s medical records revealed that he always gets his physical check-ups using a pseudonym. That name is rumored to be:
  41. Audie Murphy.
  42. Cranky McNasty.
  43. Jubilation T. Cornpone.
  44. johN MccAIN.
  45. McCain refuses to speak with foreign leaders who do not share his views because:
  46. they don’t speak good “American.”
  47. they eat weird food and smell funny.
  48. he still thinks that Siam is in cahoots with Lower Slobovia.
  49. he got burned with that whole “Hatfield-McCoy” peace treaty.
  50. McCain repudiated the endorsement of right-wing evangelist Rod Parsley because:
  51. Parsley believes America is destined to destroy Islam.
  52. McCain hates parsley almost as much as he does beets.
  53. Parsley looked so much like “Bubba” from “In the Heat of the Night,” it was creepy.
  54. Parsley just wasn’t crazy enough.
  55. McCain’s medical reports indicated that he has occasional bouts with dizziness caused by:
  56. harmless vertigo.
  57. his wife’s Metallica CD collection.
  58. keeping track of Hillary Clinton’s victory strategies.
  59. sucking laughing gas before meeting crowds.
  60. McCain refers to his followers as “my friends” because:
  61. “you suckers” wasn’t working out.
  62. “my sheep bred for slaughter” was already used by the current administration.
  63. lemmings” was too big a word.
  64. This week’s Bush-McCain fundraiser at the Phoenix Convention Center was cancelled because:
  65. not enough people bought tickets.
  66. it was confused with a nearby Special Olympics event.
  67. Roy Orbison really wasn’t going to headline, as advertised.
  68. neither man could decide on who would play the ventriloquist and who would play the dummy.
  69. At a recent speech, McCain, reflecting on the accomplishments of his future first term, said: “Scores of judges have been confirmed to the federal district and appellate courts, including the U.S. Supreme Court, who understand that they were not sent there to write our laws but to enforce them and make sure they are consistent with the Constitution.” What he didn’t mention was:
  70. these judges will all be descendents of Judge Roy Bean.
  71. women’s reproductive rights will be put on the endangered species list.
  72. a new Constitutional amendment will mention “Torquemada” a lot.
  73. states will be required to pay for their own gallows poles.
  74. In the same speech, McCain said: “I want to leave office knowing that America is safer, freer, and wealthier than when I was elected; that more Americans have more opportunities to pursue their dreams than at any other time in our history; that the world has become less threatening to our interests and more hospitable to our values; and that America has again, as she always has, chosen not to hide from history but to make history.” These visions will be accomplished by:
  75. spiking the public’s water supply with hallucinogens.
  76. mandatory lobotomies for all citizens earning less than $1 million a year.
  77. shutting one’s eyes, covering one’s ears and chanting “Be gone, reality, be gone!” at the top of one’s lungs.
  78. electing a Democrat.
    79. So, to all the demagoguery devotees out there…enjoy your tantrums and have a great time opting for four more years. You might as well start singing now, my friends: “Bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb, bomb Iran.”

    To paraphrase Bob and Ray: “Hang by your chads.”